mad

So what was I so mad at? My paintings were pretty violent back then. Lots of black and red slashes and bleeding things. How I had anyone like that stuff is unknowable to me. I was rash and arrogant. Where was that coming from? who knows. All the things you do when you are in your 20s if you feel absurdly confident and mad. But in my mind I remember angry meant strength.

I was like that for a long time in all ways that you can be. Risk taking , fearless, stupid(looking back) But I was sarcastic too. Oh that was the best strength . Slash that wit around and show everyone how strong and tough you are. I used people, manipulated people and was used in return. But you could not tell me I was anything but super nice. Funny how we cannot see ourselves when we are young.

I remember thinking how honest I was about life. I was intelligent  and realistic.  In my mind I was right  about everything, I never questioned anything I thought. Or how I came to those conclusions. I had zero to come to those conclusions.

I remember once standing on a corner in Berkeley California and this guy came up to me and looked me in the eye and said.” You are unhappy'”  Just like that he came up to  me a total stranger .  I practically spit on him. Boy. I sure showed him who was happy.  Its funny now but I remember telling my friends  about that and they thought I was psycho to get so angry at him like I did.  I was psycho but did not know it.

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